Just a quick look at the reviews the venerable critics on Metacritic will suggest approximately what psychological age these (mostly male) cinema scribes are: exactly five years old. How do I know? Well, I have a kid running around the house, female, five, and she thinks that shit, farting and private parts, are the most exciting things on Earth. Whoever has the biggest gas, is her hero of the day. She has songs and rhymes about poo and pee that she sings all day, or she simply substitutes the lyrics of famous pop songs for obscene words, and it seems to get funnier and funnier each time (her laughter would start an avalanche, I swear) – in short, my daughter could have written Ted. (The only difference between me and Seth MacFarlane is that her ‘manuscript’ would have never seen the light of day.)
Ted begins as a fairy tale in manly voiceover that incorporates traditional fairy tale turns of phrases with obscenities, pop culture references and racial jokes, which is nothing new. John Bennett (played as a grown up by Mark Wahlberg) is a lonely kid who makes a wish during Christmas and his lovely teddy comes to life. Everyone can see him, everyone can hear him, big fucking deal. For a while boy and toy enjoy fame, but then the bear grows into pot-smoking Ted (voiced by Seth MacFarlane) and eventually, nobody ‘gives a shit’ about a live stuffed toy running around Boston.
Mila Kunis plays the pretty girlfriend Lori, who is supposedly in love with John, even though it is not clear why (at least MacFarlane could have hinted at a big dick or something, but no – no such thing, he is just the most ‘handsome’ dude in Boston). John has a ridiculous job, gets high first thing in the morning, and hangs out with his bear around the clock, making stupid toilet jokes. The whole movie hinges around another thing Ted is going to say in his thick accent – and it’s so predictable it hurts (excrement, naked boobs, politics, racism, drug, puke, anal, and anything else you can imagine in a therapy session of an intellectually challenged individual).
Well, I can give Ted some points for threading together a series of parodies of such cinematic clichés as creepy maniacs, thrilling car chases, horror settings, surgical table rescues, which are done skillfully by means of expert lighting, pacing and music. The rest of the jokes stuck in Freudian anal phase of psychosexual development are just a pain. Offence comedy in Ted is the strongest point, and MacFarlane should have stuck with it because that’s the kind of humor that at least takes some intellectual strain to produce. But MacFarlane takes the easy way out, and piles on the shit.
Blu-rayThe sound and video of the Blu-ray is amazing (phew). If you are looking to enjoy every detail of Ted’s animation such as his fur, eyebrows and beady eyes, the Blu-ray will not disappoint. Those who enjoyed the film will also savor the commentary with Macfarlane, as well as co-writer Alex Sulkin and Wahlberg. There are a making-of featurette that shows original designs of the bear (yawn). There is MacFarlane working his magic on set, both directing and acting as Ted through CG animators. Avatar this is not, so those extras are strictly for the fans.
The Blu-ray also features a set of the theatrical and the unrated versions of Ted, which is only seven minutes later and not much funnier or dirtier. There are also the traditional deleted scenes and alternative takes (if you are still awake).
Verdict: Ted is tiresome and predictable for boring grown-ups. Children will enjoy it immensely, however.
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